I PROUDLY WEAR EVA PERON'S PERFUME

Hi Dolls,

Remember me? It's been a few weeks. A few roller coaster weeks. But a good roller coaster and I can't wait to tell you all about it. There's so much to talk about... EVITA, New Mexico, a cowboy hat, some vodka induced antics and oh, I'm going to be on Logo in a few days. My friend, the comedian Sue Funke told me it would be detrimental to blog about too many topics at once. She knows this stuff. She's an e-commerce expert and went on a rant dropping buzzwords like "reader exhaustion" and "scanability".... Honestly I tuned her out and went into my own head thinking about ME. So then, what's a Broadway legend to do when there is so much to talk about? Break it up into installments, Sue says. So that's what I'm doing. This one will be about EVITA. The rest will follow in semi-rapid succession. So keep your eyes to the blog if you wanna know everything.

EVITA. Wow. What an experience. Yes, I got to tell my story of exactly who Patti LuPone is to me and then launch in to her signature role with a medley of "Rainbow High" and "Don't Cry for Me Argentina." We'll get to all that in a second. First, I have to immediately thank Shaynee Rainbolt, Terese Genecco for making a stand-up comedian with a baritone singing voice (who knew) with no vocal training but with a lot of Patti LuPone in his heart sound as good as he could. And Frank Spitznagel for accompanying me brilliantly. He got ahold of the actual score from the show. The actual score! Katina Corrao, Glennis McMurray, Sara Jo Alocco for the opportunity to make a dream of mine come true. And to the rest of the cast performing their own dream roles. Wow. I haven't been around so many gifted and so many GENUINELY NICE people in so long. I'm thinking lately actors may be better people than stand-ups because every acting experience I have had with actors to date has been incredibly rewarding. And of course my amazing friends who came to support me: Susan, Emmy, Jackie, Jeremy, Cooper, Rob, Jessimae, Yamaneika, Leticia, Judith and Sue. And the people in the audience that I did not know that came up to me after and told me that I had moved them. Because for a brief moment, I DID rule Argentina and that audience were my descamisados and it was HOT.

I had a couple of amazing things that happened to me leading up to the actual performance. I like to think they were signs from God. I'm actually quite spiritual and I believe in signs and listen to them. The night before, I was performing stand-up downtown. After my set I checked my blackberry (I get so criticized for constantly checking it) and I had an email from Maile Hernandez. Okay if you are a LuPonista, you are aware of this woman. Maile wrote a book about Patti LuPone. She told me she'd heard of me and what I was doing and that she wanted to wish me good luck. Her email was extremely warm and genuine. It was extremely exciting and encouraging to hear from someone else who has been touched by La LuPone in her own way. After I got home from the club, I couldn't sleep. I was too excited.

But the signs from God didn't stop with Maile. Sit down. Next morning I got an email from an executive at CREED Cosmetics. He told me that "Ambre Cannelle" is their unforgettable fragrance introduced in 1949 that was favored by Eva Peron and to wish me good luck, they would like to have a bottle messengered over to me in time for my performance. WOW. So I get to sing Patti LuPone's signature role AND smell like a lady dictator? YES! I gave him Shaynee and Terese's address on the UWS. I live in Astoria and I'm not ashamed. But you cannot have Eva Peron's parfum messengered over to a non-Manhattan address. It would be a sin. So I picked it up from Shaynee and T's before I got dressed.

What did I wear. A black suit and cowboy boots. I think a lot of people were thinking this would be a drag performance. No. I was telling my story about why this is my dream role and then performing my dream role. I sang the songs in my key. And let the acting fill in the rest. Now, I have a tremendous fear of singing in public. I'm not a singer. I'm a stand-up. I honestly did not relax into the song and actual start to SING until maybe mid-way through Argentina. But blah blah. I had the time of my life. I didn't want it to end and I want to do it again and I will do it again. Stay tuned. I've got some ideas up my sleeve.

I've sung along with Patti LuPone to these songs for as long as I can remember. I will never forget this experience. I got to check off another "must do before I die" experience off the list. (That might have sounded morbid - remember only the good die young... so I'll be pushing 90... so relax) - but in all honesty this was a dream come true so thank you again to the mentioned people above, thank you to the unmentioned people in my life that I love and who love and support me... and to God for leading me to this place where I can do these fun things in life that not everybody gets to do. I am very thankful and I am very blessed.

So that's my Patti LuPone / EVITA experience. Lots more to tell you. I'll be catching you up to date regularly over the next two days so stay tuned. Things are in a great place and I just know that 2010 is going to be an amazing and lifechanging year. I'm ready for it and I hope you join me. So, stand-back Buenos Aires!

You can watch a clip of the performance here.

Love,
Danny

Who is who?

Hi Dolls,

I've been practicing my "dream role" diligently and I have to say I am so excited to have my turn at the role of EVITA. It is a tribute performance to Patti LuPone who has been a life inspiration for me since the age of 13. I hope you can make it. I want to remind you that I am not a singer. I am a comedian. But I am giving this performance my 110% and you outta know what you're gonna get in me: just a little touch of LuPone quality!

Click here for more info.

I've been working so hard that I think we are beginning to look alike!
Enjoy the gallery! HA

Love,
Danny

Cruella DeVil and herpes

Well its almost 2AM. I've got to be up in four hours to get ready to go to Atlantic City to promote "Together" which is an official selection at The Down Beach Film Festival. I gotta tell you. I did this project two years ago and boy does it have legs! I've been seen as a Joan Crawford cater/waiter from Portland to Barcelona to Florida to Cannes and even here at Tribeca in my own backyard. It will be good to see the old gang again. I've got a long list of new vehicles for me for that Joe Rosario. LuPone's memoir would be a great biopic, maybe Mackenzie Phillips. HA

Why am I up so late when I have to get up early? Two words: Drew Barrymore. That gal is having a banner year! First her riveting performance in the HBO movie Grey Gardens, now her directorial debut, which I saw tonight, Whip It. Which was so much fun. How could I go to bed after that? But truly, kudos to Drew who is clearly manifesting it. Going for it. I'm sure she reads this blog regularly and will get such a kick out of my support.

Speaking of reading this blog. My website is getting tons of hits from JaneFonda.com. I know that seems like a natural progression when web surfing to go to Jane's page then see what Danny Leary is up to. But there is a solid explanation behind this. Jane blogged about finally meeting Patti LuPone. She saw her perform in concert with Mandy Patinkin in Los Angeles and was so knocked out she had to take her to dinner after. Carrie Fisher was with them. Jane said they got along famously and agreed to go to Carrie Fisher's opening night of her one woman show in New York. Well I wrote to Jane and asked her if they were sticking to the plans and getting together. Jane never wrote back. But she did blog about going to Carrie's opening night and did not mention Patti LuPone. I checked Patti's website and she was performing that night in Westchester. I don't know why I am telling you all of this. I just think it is all kind of fascinating. I'd like to hang out with Jane and Carrie and Patti.

Speaking of hanging. I got together with Ann Design and Fiona Walsh last night. I'm pictured with them last night above. Both hilarious comedians. Both Irish comedians. Both real drinkers. Met them at The Galway Hooker in the West Village. Its a classy Irish pub. There was a pack of about 15 of us Irish. Ann's best friend is a real stunning woman named Lorraine. Lorraine is a no-nonsense kind of gal and always knows the score. When she learned of Jeremy and I splitting up last year she was furious. She had some wisdom for me and approached me, in a different Irish pub much like the one last night, and lowered her eyes at me and said "you. me. riverside park. bench. bring a pack of cigarettes. we've got a lot to discuss." I never met her in Riverside Park for that talk. And last night was the first night I had seen her since then. She gave me that look again at first sight from across the bar and made a b-line for me. This time I couldn't get away. I was already backed against the wall. Literally. Her poor husband I thought to myself. She came up to me an inch from my face and said "you look dashing." I said "you look stunning." She said "imagine what our kids would look like." And I actually did. And they would have been some real lookers I think.

As the evening went on it turned into a blur. I stepped outside to take a phone call from Joe Rosario. He told me he needed me in Atlantic City for the film and he told me that I am out of my tree and that Patti LuPone is going to have me killed. I met a really pretty Asian gal outside who had somehow joined up with the wild pack of Irish inside. She had my blackberry at one point and added me as her friend on facebook. I took that as a sign that it was time to go home. I was upset with myself for drinking so much because I had an Evita rehearsal the next day and I need to keep my pipes in good shape since I am tackling not only Evita but Patti LuPone. I hadn't had dinner so I stopped into a diner. I had a cheese omlette. The waiter brought me my check after without bothering to ask me if I wanted anything else. I didn't want anything else. But I was offended that he had assumed. So I ordered a chocolate milkshake just to teach him a lesson. I slurped it slowly, loudly and defiantly and it tasted like sweet, sweet victory. I sure showed him!

This morning I looked at my cell phone and found wonderful surprises. I texted "tacos" to Sue Funke. She responded "best text ever." I then replied (and this is unedited and uncensored): Danny: cruekklq devuykl
Sue: You just texted cruekklq devuykl
Danny: That meabs cruella devill stupid!!
Sue: Oh, of course, how coud I have been so ignorant.
Danny: come to michaels where I am dining alone without company
Sue: Why are you so far away?
Danny: I am eating alone w herpes
Sue: You are never alone when you have herpes
Couple things: I don't have herpes. And why did I think "cruella devill" was a logical response. One can never know. Unfortunately this would not be the only surprise waiting for me. My new Lucy Liu asian friend that I met with my wild pack of Irish friends wrote on my facebook wall "you put your drinks on my tab and left you asshole! Not cool!" Wow. Indeed not cool. But.... doesn't sound like me at all, even in my drunkest of states that does not sound like me. Cruella Devil? Yes. Fake herpes announcements? Yes. Stand-offs with a tired fiftysomething immigrant waiter working the graveyard shift serving drunks? Absolutely. Shmuck that leaves others stuck with his tab? FUCK NO. I called Ann right away just to make sure. Ann told me that she saw me pay my tab with her own eyes and that the girl was a real wack job and was just trying to get a free tab. Told 'ya.

EVITA rehearsal went swell. We found the right keys for the songs. I think Shaynee and Terese have zero confidence in my ability to pull this thing off. I admit this is very ambitious and almost an arrogant undertaking and I understand their fears. But they don't know me. I'll show them. They are marvelous vocal coaches and know what they are doing and I couldn't get in better hands. I'm grateful to them for their free time to work with me. Take my determination and mix it up with their top of the line skill set and we got a baby LuPone.

And besides, you gotta raise the bar and stick your neck out in life. So f*ck it.

I gotta go to bed dolls. I'm going to Atlantic City in the morning. Ciao.

Love
Danny

Gravity and Jesus

Where do I begin? I’ll begin with today. Woke up at 8 AM for an 8:30 meeting with fellow comedian Sue Funke. We’re working on a project together. Sue is a real mensch. She’s also my nosy neighbor and guaranteed to bust me every time I am making the walk of shame home. She’s got an apartment with a balcony that literally faces the subway so she is always aware of my comings and goings. One time I had an overnight guest and the next morning we both left on the train together to go our separate post one night stand ways. I had the horrifying premonition that Ms. Funke would bust me on the way to the train as she usually takes the train at that time in the morning. So I went to the opposite end of the subway platform, sure I’d avoid her and avoid shame. Wouldn’t you know it, Sue thought she’d let her hair down and mix it up that morning and also went to the opposite end of the platform and got in the same car. She not only chatted up my one night stand, and with all the cheeriness of Today Show era Katie Couric, but they ended up transferring trains together! Sue would email me later that day telling me how nice he was and that she really believed in his music career. I didn’t even know all of that information. But that is Sue for you. You can never get one past her. There is a degree in comfort in having a good friend / fellow comedian / nosy neighbor in your life. They can keep tabs on you.

So Sue and I had our meeting this morning on the balcony with bagels and coffee. I bought the coffee from the Italian bakery on the corner. After the meeting I bought another iced coffee. I needed another. I had stayed up until 3AM reading Mackenzie Phillips new memoir. Let me tell you it is a real page turner. I can’t put it down. I am looking forward to finishing her book because I am hoping and waiting for a good and positive resolution to all the pain she has suffered, and also so that I can return to normal sleeping patterns! At the bakery for iced coffee #2, I thought I’d make small talk with the gal behind the counter. I said “second of the morning!” with a wink and a renegade smile. I guess she didn’t hear me correctly because she replied very enthusiastically “Oh! Top of the Morning to you too!” – Now I love being of Irish descent. I find it to be very sexy. But I am not so Irish as to run around town spouting cliché Irish things like that. I thought of correcting her but that would have made the whole situation more awkward so I left it.

Spoke to my sister Minda this morning. Minda is a school teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico. It had been awhile and I was revved up to talk to her. So I during our conversation I went back to the bakery for iced coffee #3. I was greeted with a “Top of the Morning to ya! You want a third coffee?” I nodded. Lots of whispers as to who is the crazy Irish guy wanting so much coffee. It takes a lot to feel like an oddball in New York City. I feel like it’s a testament to my star quality!

Speaking of star quality. I’ll be playing Patti LuPone as Evita in “Dream Role” at the 92Y in Tribeca. I’ll talk about this later. So get rest, Buenos Aires!

I have been so tired since Los Angeles. Oh yeah LA. Got in to LA on Wednesday. Saw my mother for the first time in forever! She was crying she was so happy. I wanted to cry too but I held back because I didn’t want to go to sobbing town. My aunt Patsy drove us from LAX to our hotel in West Hollywood. My mother and I checked into our rooms and later that night we went out to eat with Terese Genecco. My Mom and Terese hit it off and we shared four pitchers of margaritas between us. After making plans to all travel to Greece together and for my Mom to run away and play the tambourine in Terese’s band it was time to call it a night. Terese and I went to my Mom’s balcony to enjoy a cigarette (my choice of poison) and for Terese to enjoy a clove cigarette (her choice of poison.) When we were done with our poisons we found my mother in her nightgown in bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. She had a huge grin and said “goodnight guys.” We took that as a hint she was ready for us to leave and call it a night. Terese and I went up to her room and split a bottle of champagne. I could talk to Terese for hours and I did.

The next morning I had to buy a belt. I also had to say hello to Joan Crawford. So I walked 5 miles from the hotel to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre to say hello to Joan and to buy a belt across the street at H&M. Came home still feeling awfully hungover. My friend Sharon flew in from Georgia to see my show. We interned together at Disneyland 12 years ago. There were about 10 others of us all coming together for my shows and to return to Disneyland. Sharon stayed in my room with me in West Hollywood. I was deliriously tired when I saw her. All I could do was sing Dolly Parton’s song “Gravity and Jesus” to her. Except I didn’t know the full song. Just the “gravity and jesus” part.

Time for the first show. We all got to the M Bar in a caravan. I was reunited with my best friends Michelle Tomlinson, Michele Graham and Patrick Julian. We all fell in love back in college. Oh and I got to see Landall Goolsby, Larry Tadlock and David Jung, a talented actor and comedian that I immediately loved when we trained together at Second City. After the M Bar and after I put my mother to bed I joined Michelle, Michele and Patrick at the opening night industry party at Shriekfest LA. Michelle Tomlinson is a film actress and has made a few horror films and has quite the fan base. It was surreal to see her signing autographs. After the after party we went to Patrick’s apartment in West Hollywood. He lives in a great 60’s modern complex with a pool in the courtyard like Melrose Place. He also has coffee table that belonged to Richard Harris. We all drank wine and posed for photos around that table. I smoked Michelle’s electronic cigarette and decided that it was so nifty I’d buy one myself when I returned to New York so I can stop smoking. I’ll get to that next week. The girls needed to sober up before the drive home so we all went to a Thai restaurant on Sunset Blvd that had a kitschy rock and roll décor.

My mother wanted to go to Hollywood the next morning. I was so tired but I wanted to maximize the time with my mother. We went with my cousin Gilbert who flew in from Dallas. I got to say hello to Joan again. I would have taken a picture but it didn’t feel right. I’m closer to her than the other tourists so I decided I’d go see her grave in upstate New York with my friend Joe Rosario who directed Together and ultimately brought Joan and I together. Mom, Gilbert and I toured Grauman’s Chinese then had a drink at The Roosevelt Hotel.

Friday’s show brought out the whole Disney gang, my gigantic Mexican family, Adam Burnworth from Portales, NM, Laura Maninno and more. It was a great show and I was happy to perform for my mother. After the show, my reunited Disney’s and I went to I-Hop. I was so relieved the shows were over so I was about 10 vodkas in. I serenaded my friends with more “gravity and jesus.”

That's Jenna Esposito, myself and Leah Dubie pictured here after performing at The M Bar in Hollywood.

Next morning my mother and I had our goodbyes. It was the first time in the whole time we were there that we got to be alone. We shared and cried and connected. I’m going to see her for a week in November. I’m excited to go back to my hometown and connect with my roots again. It’s been about three years since I have been home. After saying “see ya later” to my Mommie, Sharon and I drove to Orange County to meet the rest of the Disney’s at Mike Wilkie’s grave. He was one of us and recently passed away. Too tragic to go into. He was a stand-up guy. A wonderful friend and husband and father and too young. This was a very emotional day on so many levels.

We returned to the scene of the crime, Disneyland. Together again. I was in a very silly mood. I think it was a combination of exhaustion and feeling so many emotions in the past few days. The trip was fast, furious and an episode of “this is your life.” I saw so many loved ones in such a brief period it was a bit overwhelming. But truth be said my soul was craving it. My silliness prompted me to ask every Disney employee if Jane Fonda was in the park.

We got back that night to the hotel at 1 AM. Sharon had an early flight. I would take the rental car with her back to LAX and wait a few hours for my flight. I told her $5 gas is enough to get us to LAX. Well we got lost several times and ran out of gas on the freeway. Sharon was bummed because she would miss picnic day with her husband in Savannah. It’s one of her favorite events and she was looking forward to it. I felt like it was my fault for overestimating the car’s fuel efficiency. No gravity. No Jesus. The AAA man filled the car up. Off we were again with gravity and Jesus. Sharon and I saw Gwen Stefani in the airport and sat at a shoe shine booth with our Starbucks just to watch Gwen being beautiful. Her body guard didn’t like us. Said goodbye to Sharon and bought Mackenzie’s book and have been up reading it ever since.

I’m happy to be home. I got so much more to say about some other things, there is a lot of GOOD going on right now and gravity and Jesus. But this entry is long enough and I need to pee. And smoke a non-electronic cigarette. I’ll smoke the electronic one starting next week. Maybe.

Love
Danny

Rainbow Tour comes to Hollywood

Hi Dolls,

Getting ready for Los Angeles. Gee, I can't tell you how excited I am. I think Patti LuPone's performance on Merv Griffin pretty much sums up how I feel. Enjoy!

Love, Danny

Stand back, Buenos Aires!

The fall is here and I feel happy. I feel happy for so many reasons. This particular season change is symbolic for me. It not only marks the end of the summer but the closing of a particularly hard chapter of my life. Some of you might have noticed that I've been away from writing to you. My summer (and perhaps the winter too) can be best described as a circus. I've experienced so much. I've seen horrible things and I have seen beautiful things. I have seen myself. And I have seen others. Some folks that I considered great friends watched me drown in the swamp. Some even pushed me under a little deeper with high heels when they thought no one was looking. And some showed me unconditional and true love. I've learned how important it is to love and to be loved for real. I've learned the value of lifelong friendship and family. I've learned it is those things and only those things that are important and beautiful in life. I've learned that show business is not a real world. Yes, you heard me, Santa Claus is not real! But who gives a fuck?! As long as I can personally differentiate show life from real life I'll be fine and dandy. I'm starting to ramble and change topic. Bottom line: I'm happy to be where I am right now. I'm not ashamed, zero regrets, no apologies. Even though I've got some rich stories to tell you, and boy howdy I do, I'm not ready yet. I'm saving it for my memoir that I will write someday (because you gotta make money off that stuff ya know? - HA). But it won't be anytime soon. I've got many, many more chapters and experiences ahead of me to live out first. But get ready, because I am poised more than ever to unleash my inner LuPone on this world!

Have I ever told you about my best friend Theresa Parsons Sarbeng? We met my freshman year in college. She was a year ahead of me and was the darling of the theatre division. She was a campus celebrity. She wrote the rules and had no apologies. I'd never met anyone like her in my life. She was overflowing with talent, beauty, warmth, style, and cool. I'd never been so enamored before by someone. I admired her and her wild brown curly hair. She was hot shit and was from Albuquerque. Anyone born and raised in New Mexico will tell you Albuquerque was New York City. Everyone wanted to be her best friend. Somehow I got lucky and was able to get close to her and make her my friend for life. Theresa showed me what it was to laugh with my whole soul. She made me feel cool. She made me feel comfortable. She made it safe for me to be myself. Me. 100% me. The me that I'd hid from the world because up until then I was made fun of and harassed my whole life for being different. Because Theresa accepted the real me, I was able to accept the real me. I had a soul mate and a mentor and a best friend and a sister. I honestly don't even know if I would have wound up in New York if it weren't for Theresa. She moved to NYC after college and I just couldn't imagine my life without Theresa (or Jeremy, but that's a different love story) so I followed her across the country and here I am.

My father had very high standards on everything. Particularly friendship. Although my father was always surrounded by so many people, there was only a couple of people that he truly called his friend. Most notably, my Uncle Dan. He's not really my uncle. He's my Dad's best friend and I am named after him. They were so close that it must have not felt right to call him just "Dan" - he needed a familial title. For all intents and purposes he was a brother to my Dad and vice versa and that is why he was always "Uncle Dan." Theresa and I had recently become estranged. So much so that I didn't think I'd ever have her back in my life. While I was lost, I missed out on some of the biggest moments in her life. I didn't know if I would ever be able to be accepted back into her life. Well, Theresa has come back into my life and with unconditional love. She must have known that I needed her more than I ever have. I feel complete again, I feel God's love, and I know it's all gonna work out. Now for the first time, I understand where my father was coming from. And that Theresa is my father's Dan. And Theresa is my sister. And that she will be "Aunt Theresa" to my children.

So Theresa and her kick ass husband Ellison had a beautiful baby boy named Adjei. He's about to turn a year old. I met him yesterday. He is perfect and it is just so wild to see Theresa's own little baby walking! And talking! Adjei has such a funny personality and he is already very good looking. He's going to be a lady killer. He's a very lucky little boy, because he kind of hit the DNA jackpot. Theresa and Ellison are both extremely attractive and incredibly talented. They also have hearts of gold. I'd like to move in to their beautiful apartment and have them raise me too!

I've been feeling the need to stretch. Really stretch. I've been stretching on stage more, taking risks, stepping out of the box, blah blah blah. I'm talking about the need to stretch my actual BODY. Wendy Jo is in amazing shape. Her transformation began with YOGA. I've done Yoga. Years ago and I loved it. I need it back. I'm not flexible as it is and I don't want to age. Theresa is into the yoga now. We're going to go together on Thursday, I cannot wait. I cannot wait to feel stretched out, for the calmness of mind and the overall feeling of feeling great! I'd like to become more limber. I think being more limber would make for having great monkey sex. And I love monkey sex and I'm good at it, but can it get even better? And I do know a great monkey out there. And there is a great chance this monkey might read this blog. And I hope the monkey knows who the monkey is. And I'd like for that monkey to send me a private shout out.

Alright dolls. Sorry for the heavy one this time. But I had to make it right with you. At least I ended it on sex. In sum, all you need out of life: amazing friends, love, Patti LuPone, guacamole, cigarettes, iced coffee and monkey sex. And maybe yoga too if it makes for better monkey sex. I'll let you know. But the monkey needs to get in touch.

I'm coming to Los Angeles can you believe it? Yeah, go see my website. www.dannyleary.com

Love
Danny

Germans, brunches and cabs

It's Monday morning. I'm ready for the week. Lay it on me. Looked at myself in the mirror this morning and noticed my sideburns look very angry. My sideburns are very thick and if I'm not careful they'll grow down my neck. I think if I really wanted to, I could have sideburns that would rival the length of Crystal Gayle's hair. They are the only hair surface on me that are bright red. I'm a medium brunette everywhere else. I don't know if that is the irish side of me or the mexican side. Logic would say irish, but there are a few rogue red heads on my mother's side of the family. And I do tend to inherit every bizarre genetic mystery from my mother's side of the family. Like the tooth that grew in the roof of my mouth when I was 11 years old. I hid it from my parents for months because I didn't want to have to go to the dentist. One day during Days of Our Lives, during Patch and Kayla's wedding, I showed my secret monster tooth to my sister Minda. Big mistake. It was extracted the very next day. My life could be very different today if I still had that tooth. I know it was a lucky monster tooth.

Had a great time at my EastVille Comedy Club show on Wednesday. I really like that club. It's extremely laid back. I am not. It's good for me to be forced to take a chill pill. After the show Helen Hong dropped into the club. I love Helen Hong and when she came through the door it felt like Christmas to me. I really love loving people. Becky, Leah, Garry, Helen, myself and some German tourists that were in the audience headed up to Nowhere bar for after show drinks. Becky invited the Germans. Becky has a habit of collecting foreign audience members out for drinks with us, much like a child would collect seashells on the beach. She's done this with Brazilians and the Irish before and always has the same very proud smile that says "look what I found!"

Becky ordered $3 popcorn at Nowhere bar that Leah quickly hijacked. Leah also had a beer. Leah is also very anti-carb. If she were a beauty pageant contestant "no carbs" would be her platform issue. I asked Leah what was going on. She cited the economy. Helen was dancing with a slice of pizza. Germans were lurking. I was giving Garry a hard time about his v-neck t-shirt because the design looked like the Caroline's logo when all of a sudden I saw objects flying at me in my periphery. Then I felt something hit the side of me. I turned and noticed a stack of postcards had been thrown at us. I looked toward the direction of where they came from and saw two guys in the corner trying to bury themselves in the couch. They knew they had been caught and I was ready to confront. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Garry was very casual about it. As if this kind of thing is normal. He said it wasn't a big deal and jumped back into our conversation already in progress. I couldn't hear what he was saying at that point because I was in my head about being assaulted with postcards. I love a good confrontation. Especially when I feel I've been victimized. I love standing up for myself more than anything in the world. I think this is because I was picked on my whole life as a kid and have a "never again" constitution. I interrupted Garry and said "are you sure I shouldn't at least pick up the postcards and walk them over there and say "hey guys, I think you dropped something?" And I would have said that looking straight through them with my "I will kill you" eyes that I inherited from my mother. Garry said it wasn't a big deal and that drunk things happen. Garry also works for the folks that own Nowhere bar and I didn't want to cause trouble for him. I took a very deep breath and let it go. Which is huge for me. That's like a dog turning down two huge greasy strips of bacon left out on the floor. Taking the high road required tremendous restraint. I was surprised at myself and thought maybe I could also quit smoking. I was again in mid-conversation saw something new coming at me in my periphery. This time it was a person. It was one of the guys who threw the postcard at me before. He walked over to me and looked me up and down, smiled and winked at me and then made a b-line to the bathroom all with the subtlety of a fur coat in July. I guess he didn't want to fight me after all. Then I wondered how many times before have I unnecessarily turned a flirty situation into a catfight scene from Dynasty? I didn't follow him to the restroom to find out what was next. I was too busy being introspective with myself. I then heard myself start to tell Garry about how much Patti LuPone meant to me. I stopped myself. That topic can be very emotional for me. Anytime I launch into a LuPone conversation I know its time to call it a night. Becky told me that I need give some face time to the Germans before leaving. I agreed. So I smoked a cigarette with one outside. I found myself getting a Dr. Phil pep talk from this German from the audience who maybe knew two words of English. Yes, it was time to get in a cab.

I was looking forward to dinner with Susan Alexander on Thursday. I emailed Susan to cancel last minute because Helen asked me to do her Ochi's show at Comix. Susan immediately called me up and told me I was trading up for another gook. Susan is Korean and a comedian. Helen is Korean and a comedian. Comedians often ignore the boundaries of PC when it comes to themselves. I told Susan I was not trading her for another gook that I was trading her for my career. She started laughing, told me she loved me, called me a whore and hung up on me. Then five minutes later she wrote "Kor-Am" on my facebook wall. Susan was featured in Kor-Am magazine a few months ago. "Kor-Am" is our own very continental way of saying "call me" or "miss you" or "I love you."

Headed to Comix early to pick up a DVD from Kambri. We both had some time to kill before shows so we sat at the bar. I ordered us a round of margaritas. Kambri was a bit flustered with the events of her day but after a few good laughs she was feeling a lot better. She commented on my watch. It's a vintage Rolex. I explained to her the significance of my watch. That it was my father's and that I saw him wear it every day. And now I wear it every day so that he is always with me. I told her that I purposely do not set the time time, that I only set it when I am doing something very important and significant and need to have my Dad there for comfort and support. Kambri got teary and grabbed my wrist and said "hi, Dad." I felt bad for making Kambri misty eyed. I didn't mean to. It was probably the culmination of her stressful day and her margarita. But I loved learning that she too is a sentimental person. It makes her even more beautiful to me. John came up to us and noticed Kambri had watery eyes. Kambri asked me to tell John the story. Jesus. You should see me in action at cocktail parties.

Had a great time at Helen's show then had to take the train to Cosmo's house to take him on his walk. Jeremy had a rehearsal and couldn't do it. Some writing ideas popped into my head on the train and I got to work jotting them down. I was feeling very prolific and couldn't write fast enough. I looked up and I was at 125th Street. Cosmo's stop is 103rd. I hate when I do that! Got off at 125th and took a $6 cab to Cosmo. But before that I went into a bodega to buy a bottle of water. The woman ahead of me spent $8 on Little Debbie snacks and chips and didn't have another quarter to buy a Laffy Taffy. The clerk wouldn't let her take the Laffy Taffy with a .25 cent I.O.U. She argued this for a good five minutes and gave up. I then paid for my water with a twenty. I overheard her tell someone that she never asks anyone for anything and all she needed was .25 cents and now this motherfucker (me) is paying with a twenty and she hopes someday I'm thirsty because she will spit in my face. I hope that day never comes. I really do.

After Cosmo walked me around his neighborhood I laid with him on the floor. I was waiting for a text from old friends from my hometown of Portales, NM. Kasey Scott (the daughter) and Sandy Scott (the mother) came to New York to see some shows. They've always been a theatre family and travel just to see shows. They had tickets to Hair and I was to meet them after for a nightcap. I joined up with them at an Irish bar. After four glasses of wine, lots of laughs, and reliving old memories it was last call. Kasey and I walked Sandy to the hotel. Kasey and I wanted to continue on with the night. It had been over twelve years since we last connected. There was so much to talk about. We ducked into an after hours bar and shared many more drinks and cigarettes. Yes, they were letting us smoke inside! I walked Kasey back to the hotel at 4:30 AM and hopped in a cab to Astoria.

Woke up Friday feeling like I had been out until 4:30 in the morning with an old friend. I also felt smokey and remembered why it is a good thing that we can no longer smoke in bars. Legally. But I was happy. It was so good to reconnect with Kasey and Sandy. Then I thought to myself where the hell is Mara Herron? It hadn't heard from her in a few days. I texted Mara from bed "hi, I am alive." She wrote back "what the fuck is that supposed to mean? stop feeling sorry for yourself, go drink a martini, have a great set and then go have great sex. that always make me happy. I'm at the airport and my plane is delayed." I wrote back "I'm kidding with you." She wrote back "So am I." I wrote "...but I am pissed because I have no idea why you are waiting on a plane." She wrote "no one does... I'm sneaking out of the city for a few days." I went to get ready and found a post-it on the bathroom mirror from the chick who is subletting Wendy's room. The note said "Danny, I baked chicken. Please Try. In Refrigerator." Perfect. I needed substance this morning after last night. Paddy's chicken was very tasty and hit the spot.

Friday night I had The Cocktail Show at Don't Tell Mama. Becky came in riled up from go. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was very nervous about a half-marathon she was running in the morning. She had been training hard for weeks but it was still going to be very difficult on her. She told me she is getting older, has a bad knee and just isn't that Rutgers women's lacrosse team star athlete that she once was. Becky can get very competitive and I could easily see her pushing herself beyond her limit and getting hurt. I told Becky to promise me she wouldn't be a hero. But there's also no convincing Becky of anything. I was worried. Our show that night was pitch perfect. Kasey and Sandy and Jeremy came to see me perform. Jeremy is also very close with the Scotts. Jeremy hadn't seen me perform in awhile and told me that my set was great, that he loved my new stuff and that he loved the direction I was going in. It felt good to hear that from him because he has seen 5,000 of my shows and is always dead honest with me. I thought to myself that I hope to God I never lose his friendship and support and that we'll always be close. Even when he finds someone. We all went to Film Center Cafe after and ate. Kasey showed me pictures she had of me from junior high and high school. I almost didn't recognize myself. I looked scared and sad. I almost wanted to tell myself in those pictures that it would all work out one day and that I'd live in New York and love it. Sandy picked up the tab. We walked Sandy to her hotel and then Kasey, Jeremy and I went to an irish bar across the street. After three margaritas I decided to throw in the towel. Jeremy and Kasey had catching up of their own to do, I hate goodbyes, and I had brunch plans in the morning. Cab.

Jenna Esposito called to wake me at 10 AM on Saturday as we had planned. We had brunch plans at noon in Hell's Kitchen. After that I had iced coffee scheduled with Terese Genecco on the Upper West Side. I remembered Becky had that race today and I was still worried. I knew Leah was going to the finish line to support Scott. I texted Leah and asked when/where the finish line was. I was going to squeeze "making sure Becky is not dead" into my day's agenda. Leah texted that the race was already done and confirmed that Becky was not dead. I texted Becky and told her I loved her and that I'm glad she didn't die. Met Jenna at her suggested brunch venue "44 1/2" and we sat at a beautiful garden in the back. The waiter took our orders. She had something with eggs. I had something with french toast. We ordered a specialty mixed drink on their menu that was 3 parts vodka, pink lemonade Crystal Lite and a splash of Sprite. It was pink and delicious. We had two. Jenna is a young Italian beauty and my girliest of girlfriends. She's always in full hair, makeup, nails and accessories and is always complimented with just the right amount of sparkles, be it on her eyes or her shoes or her bag. She's a cabaret singer and has a great retro-kitschy vibe to her work. She told me all about her next show which will be a tribute to Connie Francis. Jenna has been working on this show for a long time and I cannot wait to see it. Jenna's shows are always great but I have a feeling she is really going to knock it out of the park with this one. Jenna is very busy with her music to the same degree that I am busy with my comedy. I wish we had more time together but in the meantime I'll settle for the occasional brunch where we fill each other in on all our goings on and pick up where we left off. We always have a great time together and I'm thankful for her friendship.

Picked Terese up at 72nd and Broadway for our iced coffee date. Terese looked particularly stunning today and I remembered she looked particularly stunning last night at my show. She's a strikingly beautiful woman and she is just as strikingly beautiful on the inside. She had to run to the ATM and I had to run to Starbucks to pee. I waited in line for twenty minutes. When I came out Terese was on the corner with her iced coffee. Where was mine? I didn't want to have to wait in another line so we moved on. I stopped at a deli that did not have a line. We had our iced coffees from different vendors and were enroute to find a shady bench in Central Park when we passed by Benny's Burritos and noticed they had $3 margaritas. I turned to Terese and whined "oh come on Terese! margaritas for $3!" as if I already knew what Terese was going to say before she said it. I might have stomped my feet. She said nothing but raised her eyebrow. I offered to pick up the tab to sweeten the deal. She said "well... I guess we can chuck these." The iced coffees went into the trash and we went into the bar. Sold.

Terese had to run to a show and I had a very important date with The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Talk to you later.
Love
Danny

Monday in the park with Cosmo

Memorial Day weekend was great. I spent Friday night working on a poster I was paid to design for a comedy festival. It took the whole night because my computer is not in good health these days. She has lived a good life. She was the hot thing of 2002. Remember those cheap Dell’s that were all the rage in 2002? I’m surprised she has lasted as long as it has. I grew up in the ‘90s when computers were not too common in homes. I remember in college when email was something new and unusual and you’d have to sign legal documents and get fingerprinted at the computer lab to use it. This was/is my first home computer. Jeremy and I saved up and bought it when we lived in a tiny, musty studio our second year in New York with our hard earned pennies made from our first real entry level post college jobs. Why I am trying to romanticize this? Truth is, I really don’t want my computer to die but only because I am cheap. I’d rather spend my money on the important things like seasonal accents to go on the credenza. Okay, I don’t have a credenza. But I used to! And there was a time when a seasonal accent on the credenza was very important to me. In my early/mid twenties I was going on age 35. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I grew up before I had a chance to grow up. Now I’m without a credenza and running in the opposite direction. I think over time I will meet myself in the middle and finally be on schedule. One day I’ll have a credenza again but never again with the seasonal accents. That was too far, even for me.

Got up early Saturday to feed cats for a friend who is out of town. Cats are strange creatures that I think are capable of anything, like homicide, and I never know what I am going to find on the other side of the door. I make it a point to tell someone exactly when and where I am going to feed them in case I don’t come back. After the cats I did laundry. All of these things were done before 10 AM which is a record for me. I had day plans that afternoon followed by the early show at Comic Strip. I feared that if I waited to feed the cats after my show I would wind up another statistic.

I love the Comic Strip. It’s one of the last great surviving relics from the comedy boom of the 1980’s. I’d love to have my headshot on the wall there someday. But most days it seems discovering a cure for cancer would be easier to accomplish. I had been craving margaritas all day. I had been in the sun and it just seemed appropriate. Danny the bartender saw me and did that thing that most bartenders who know me at places where I perform do. They start to make a drink then they suddenly freeze mid-motion and ask “are you drinking today?” I have a habit of making major announcements worthy of a press conference that I have ceased all drinking until further notice. Further notice is usually the next time you see me. I told Danny, “Yessir… I am drinking!” And I might have said that in conjunction with an awkward salute. I didn’t order a margarita. Intuition told me they would use too much sweet and sour mix so instead I asked him for “a nice Corona.” As opposed to a mean one. I was chatting with my dear friend Becky Donohue backstage. She is one of my faves and definitely one of the best of the bunch. She’s been at it professionally for over a decade. Becky will also be the first to remind you of this on a regular basis. And she’s got the goods to back it up. A waiter came backstage and acted as though he’d just seen a ghost when he saw Becky. He told us that he was just in the bathroom where the show is audio broadcasted (for those that have to go, but don’t want to miss the show) and was listening in and could have sworn that Becky was on stage right now! Becky and I immediately turned our heads in unison toward the monitor to see who he was confusing her with. It was a brand new comic up there. And she was funny. But comedians are like wine. They better as they age. And Becky is a vintage shiraz. We were in the eye of the hurricane. I really wanted to say, “what was that waiter? I couldn’t hear you, Repeat it what you just said!” but instead I pretended that I had something very important to write down. Becky answered him graciously and said “nope, I’m right here. But you’re right… she is killing.” The waiter left Becky and I in the room alone. There was a sharp pause. I turned to her with a blank expression trying to portray temporary amnesia. Becky took a deep inhale and lowered her eyes at me and said in a quiet, intense tone “…you loved that didn’t you.” I told her yes I sure as hell did and then re-enacted the scene in my head asking the waiter to repeat himself. She called me an asshole and we laughed hysterically. Becky is a good one to share a good laugh from the gut with.

After the show Becky and I went to an outdoor café down the street. I had two glasses of pinot grigio. She had two glasses of cab sauv. She had a caprese salad. I was on a diet. We had great conversation as always and we didn’t spend a lot of money as we tend to do when we get together and talk and drink and talk and drink. She had another spot across town and I had dinner plans with Jeremy. I took a bus to go crosstown from the Upper East Side to the Upper West Side. As soon as I got on the bus and took a seat the world started spinning just ever so slightly. I had only had two glasses of pinot with Bex and the three nice coronas at Comic Strip. I decided that the sun might have dehydrated me that day. I could have stuck it out if I concentrated hard enough but I had a feeling I might look slightly crazy with one hand over my eye. I got off of the bus at the next stop. Which was exactly a block away from where I got on. The world stopped spinning immediately so I hopped in a cab to meet Jeremy. He told me all about the new play he had been cast in. I told him about everything in my world except for the part where my world was actually spinning a few moments ago on the bus. That would have resulted in a lecture about taking better care of myself and not spreading myself too thin and blah blah.

The train ride home to Astoria was surprisingly quick. I was looking forward to a good night’s sleep. Instead I tossed and turned making mental lists of outstanding items. I don’t understand why my head won’t shut up when its time for sleep but goes completely MIA when its time to open my mouth. Things would be so much better if it were the other way around.

Got started on my list Sunday morning very early. Cats and iced coffee were first to be crossed off. But a nap, bad television, and a frantic phone call from my mother delayed the rest of the list. My mother has a lot going on as I do and our schedules are surprisingly similar. It’s not abnormal for us to have a week lapse in phone calls. And when my mother realizes its been a week she immediately assumes I am an unlabeled patient in a coma caused by a mugging/plane crash into building/swine flu/Puerto Rican day parade/central park raping. Later that night, I noticed a new business had spontaneously appeared right beneath my bedroom window off of the sidewalk. It was an airbrush tattoo parlor. “Look up zoning laws” was promptly added to my list.

I woke up early again on Monday. This time to loud music and not a mandatory company meeting in my head. I looked out my window to find that an entire street fair had sprouted up around the new airbrush tattoo parlor. I’ve never been relieved to see a street fair in New York until then. This meant that the airbrush tattoo parlor beneath my window would be gone in a matter of hours. And zoning laws could go off my list.

I have not seen my shit-zu Cosmo for a few days and I have been missing the small things. Like the clacking of his toe-nails on the wood floor. Cosmo has always been meticulously groomed on a regular basis and his nails are never too long. But Cosmo somehow knows how to make them clack on the floor and he only does this when he wants to make a point. I miss him telling me that I have to give him a treat right now. I miss him making me get off the couch and sit on the floor. I miss him refusing to let me take a nap or work on the computer or even talk too loudly on the phone. Cosmo has always been very bossy with me and I secretly love it. I know I shouldn’t. But I do. I love that he has such a strong personality. I let him be in charge because it makes him happy. I’m the “nice parent.” Jeremy is the disciplinarian. Jeremy gives just one treat/day only after Cosmo has been a good boy. I will give Cosmo a treat when he barks at me, smiles at me, and lies to me.

Cosmo lives full time with Jeremy since he doesn’t have the late night and unpredictable comedy hours that I do. And also because I have a roommate and Cosmo has bitten a couple of people over the years. He’s a rescue.

I will not be an absent parent because he’s my baby and I also don’t want him growing up to be a juvenile delinquent because of resentment. I’ll always be the fun parent who lets him stay up late and eat ice cream and encourages him to drop out of college to pursue painting if that’s what makes him happy. That’s my job.

So yesterday I surprised Cosmo with a visit and he and I went to Riverside Park. I let him decide the exact routes to take, even when they were completely screwy and off path. We chased squirrels and barked at them up trees. At times we ran at a jogging pace and at times we were barely moving and smelling every surface along the way. We stopped on the sidewalk for extended amounts of time to quietly growl and monitor suspicious activity with one paw suspended in the air. We Barked at busses passing by. And avoided the sunny side of the street at all costs. Because sun on cement is completely scary to Cosmo. I’m sure he has a valid reason behind this so I follow suit. Cosmo had four treats for no other reason than being the best dog in the world and I’m so glad he is mine.

Talk to you soon!

31 and counting...

Met my dear friend and fellow comedian Susan Alexander for happy hour on Friday. She was taking me out for my birthday. I was supposed to meet her at Morton's at 5:30. I arrived at 5:32. Susan likes starchy business hangouts with dark leather and mahogany wood. I think she'd like to marry a suit. Susan chastised me for being two minutes late. I consider myself to be a very punctual person, to me two minutes either way is on time. Not to Susan. But she knows me and was prepared for my "tardiness" and had a glass of pinot grigio waiting for me and appetizers. There are two types of people in life: drivers and passengers. I am a driver. Susan is a driver. However when I am with Susan I am comfortable being her passenger. It's relaxing and freeing because I trust that she will not crash. She takes care of all the details and never lets even my water glass get anywhere close to empty. Corrects my posture. And orders my meat medium rare when I ask for medium. It's nice.

Susan brought along her best gal pal Suzanne. I've met Suzanne twice with Susan at various comedy shows. I've always been drawn to her. I love strong women. They are BFF's from college. Suzanne is a big real estate power success woman. The kind that gets all the good lines in the boardroom on primetime dramas. I'd love to see her in her natural environment sometime. I bet she's a tiger. She's also a Republican and married to a senator. I really wanted to hear Suzanne talk about her viewpoints on various issues, just to know what makes her tick. I'm smitten. Susan would not let us talk about politics and was kicking me under the table. So we started talking about dating.

Susan is one of my best friends. She loves hearing all of the dirty details of my sexploits and I do tell her everything. There's a genuine, from-the-soul smile that lights up her face when she calls me a "whore." She loves to celebrate sex. She always toasts me after she calls me a whore which. I would calculate that we toast every 5 minutes to "you whore! *cheers* I love it! *cheers* Such a whore! *cheers* dirty whore!"...Truth is I am really not. I don't think anyway. And I wasn't feeling like a whore that day. Susan was disgusted by this and called me a girl. She said she wanted her man friend back. The whore one that wears crotchy jeans and has chest hair and is confident. Suzanne agreed. Non-whore talk was not becoming of me apparently. Suzanne told me I need to live my life more. Maybe they're right. Maybe I should get involved in a naked makeout later.

Susan picked up the birthday tab and we put Suzanne in a car. She was leaving the city for the weekend. Susan and I had a Mr. Frosty and walked over from Midtown East to Midtown West to Ars Nova to see Mel & El's new show. Mel & El are dear friends of mine and they got a great development deal and run at one of the top Off Broadway venues in town. We were a bit early for the show so we ducked into a nearby watering hole called 'disiac. It had a great outdoor patio. There wasn't room so we sat at the bar where we noticed amazing looking frozen concoctions. We tried the frozen raspberry cosmo. I took a photo of them and uploaded to facebook. Susan loves "press." We then tried the frozen margaritas. Bingo. We felt them at first sip. Susan commented loudly for the whole bar to hear that we were drinking "Natalie Holloways!" - which got a huge laugh from everyone. And a few hisses. She then all but made me sign a non-disclosure agreement in blood acknowledging that drinking "Natalie Holloways" is her intellectual property and that I would not take that joke from her and use it onstage. I would never. But Susan is a fierce comedy business woman. She's told club owners she would "cut them like a cancer if they fucked with her money!" You need people like Susan in your life. This is why I let her drive.

At Mel & El we saw Ben Lerman and Jessica Delfino. They sat behind us and were dressed in nautical attire. Mel & El were incredible and received a well deserved standing ovation. I gave them hugs after. It's really exciting when your friends are doing something incredible. Go see them.

Susan and I stumbled back into 'disiac for more "Natalie Holloways" (courtesy: Susan Alexander). This time we got the patio. When I found myself on a first name basis with our waitress "Anabel" and involved in a deep conversation "en espanol" I knew I was toast. This happens when I drink tequila past a certain point. I get bilingual. And I am not bilingual. It must be my latin identity issues.

Susan and I split ways. We were drunk and dangerous. I got on the train back to Ass-toria. When I came up from underground I had two missed calls from Susan. And three texts. All of them said something along the lines of "such a slut" - "you whore" - "dangerous!" I had another text from a boy inviting me for a nightcap. Who has a nightcap these days? Maybe this would be my naked makeout. I remembered Jodi Wasserman lived in the area. I texted her. She told me to meet her at the diner. Then the potential naked makeout texted me his address. Then Jodi texted me the address to the diner. What do do. How do I want to comfort myself? With a naked makeout or with food and Jodi? Hmmmm. I asked God to make the decision for me.

The next day fellow comedian Jenny Rubin came over to my apartment. We were to co-host the red carpet for the Miss Fag Hag pageant (a benefit for The Hetrick Martin Institute) at Comix the next day. Jenny is hilarious and Jenny is a mess. She was two hours late because she dropped needle and thread on the floor of her apartment and couldn't find it and was worried her animals would die. I met her at the subway station and waited for her to come down the stairs. I felt like I was a housewife at the airport waiting for my husband to come back from Iraq. I love Jenny and I hadn't seen her in a long time. It was a great reunion. We fell into step immediately. We ordered Mexican takeout and got to work on googling the red carpet luminaries that we'd be interviewing. One of the show's producers, Shawn Hollenbach, who is also a great comedian, called to check in on us. We spoke to him on speakerphone from my blackberry. It felt like Charlie's Angels. Shawn sounded high strung and nervous. This was a big event and he was in the eye of the storm. Jenny seemed to calm him down. She has that affect. if I were to pick someone to be deserted on an island with it might be Jenny Rubin. She can really make me laugh and I don't think we run out of things to say to each other.

I was running late the next day and spent $100 on cabs to and from Ass-toria back and forth getting dry cleaning picked up and getting ready for the red carpet. I was fifteen minutes late due to traffic but still early. I had the best time with Jenny on the carpet. We talked to Broadway stars, models, TV and film stars, drag queens. So much fun. I fell in love with Jon Wolfe Nelson from "The L Word" on the carpet. Gentle, sweet, kind and stunning.

My ex-boyfriend / best friend Jeremy was on hand taking red carpet photos for Jenny and I. Many people don't know how to react when they see us together post-breakup. They can't comprehend that we could still be friends and that there were never dishes thrown. But we're the best of friends and always will be. Jeremy, Jenny and I took at seat in Comix to watch the show. Leah stopped by our booth and we shared an awkward open mouthed kiss. It was full of subtext. I didn't try to figure out the subtext. My inner Meryl Streep was off duty for the evening. The show was about to start. All I can say is wow. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun in the audience of a show! It was electric. I didn't want it to end. It was such a spectacular event and I was so proud of Shawn, Paul Case and Adolpho Blaire who conceived, organized, and produced this amazing evening from scratch. Not an easy feat and this was one of the best things I have ever seen in New York. Ever. I can't wait until next year.

I threw my red carpet suit onto the floor of my apartment and faceplanted into bed. I woke up at 1 AM with a text from a friend/fellow comic Sara. She said she had just broken up with her boyfriend and had moved out and needed help assembling IKEA furniture. I immediately sobered and texted her back to make sure she was okay. She was. I was prepared to jump into a cab to help her with whatever she needed, like an on-call wet nurse. Or something like that.

Monday I woke up thirty-onederful. I didn't want to get out of bed. My blackberry was buzzing with a steady stream of facebook updates from birthday well-wishers. It's nice to feel loved every five minutes on your birthday. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad day. I was in a funk. I didn't want to drink my face off and celebrate. I turned down drinks and this and that. I decided to meet Jeremy at his place, my old apartment, to pick up the camera so I could download the red carpet photos. I wanted to have a very oprah birthday this year. I wanted to be at home, in my room, writing out life plans and goals. Perhaps write some new material and blog and update my god-awful website that needs an overhaul. I'm out drinking pretty much most nights of the year. It comes with doing comedy. I wanted to do be alone in my own space and get some work done on my birthday. Jeremy surprised me with cake. He and my shih-tzu Cosmo sang happy birthday to me. We went for a drink down the street. I felt sad about us. It sneaks up on me sometimes and I didn't want to cry so I started an argument. I went to my friend Mara Herron's after. She's an amazing comedian and a new friend. It wouldn't be an oprah birthday after all. Mara bought me a dozen yellow roses for friendship. And had a bottle of white wine and hummus and cheese and grapes and it was yummy. We sat on her fire escape and drank the bottle and smoked cigarettes and I probably talked to much. We talked about weekend plans and I told her I was helping my friend Sara assemble IKEA furniture. Mara said "you don't have to go - that was a mass text - everyone got it." I felt like a douche. Here I thought I was the only one who got that text because she needed ME. And I was willing to hop into a cab at 1 AM to clean up the mess. Mara dropped her glass of wine and thankfully it didn't kill someone five stories below us. We hope. It was getting late so I headed back to Ass-toria. Jeremy sent me a text-pic of Cosmo. That's our way of saying sorry we got in a fight.

Tuesday my pal Kambri took me out for a birthday drink. We were supposed to have "just one." We never have "just one." And its because we always have the best time. I once thought that I was the definition of burning the candle at both ends - until I met Kambri. She is a very busy woman who literally works 24/7 so our get togethers are rare and time always flies by way too quickly. We laugh, share and laugh. I had sent Kambri my last blog entry on Jodi Wasserman a few days ago and told her to read it "when she had to take a long number two." As soon as I sat at our table she informed me that women never take a long number two. That that is a guy thing and women are in and out. We then moved on to discussing the tits that I had written about seeing on Jodi Wasserman. It was suddenly time for American Idol. Kambri is addicted to that show so we promptly left the quaint wine bar and bought a bottle of white from the nearby package store and picked up shrimp pad thai on the way to my apartment where we would watch the season finale. In the whirlwind of everything I had forgotten that my roommate and fellow comedian (and daughter!) Wendy Jo is gone for the whole summer on tour. She subletted her room to a sweet girl from Texas by way of China who I don't think speaks English. We haven't had enough dialogue for me to figure that one out. Kambri (who is a tall drink of blonde water at 6 feet tall) and I busted in on my poor foreigner roommate (who is all but 4 inches tall) and her "cousin" (who I suspected and then later Kambri also suspected, is not really her "cousin." Unless "cousin" is mandarin for fuckbuddy) Kambri and I didn't want to invade so we retreated to my room where we sat at the edge of the bed and ate shrimp pad thai, drank the $7 jumbo-bottle of pinot grigio over my ironing board / table and watched American Idol. Kambri loved me and Wendy/Soon Yi's apartment and thought it would be perfect for she and her husband.

When the coast was clear we went back to the living room where we finished off the wine and watched parts of "Glee" and "Real Housewives of NJ." We weren't really paying attention and were in a spirited debate about naked makeouts. Kambri is of the school of thought that a naked makeout is really sex. Jury is out. I walked Kambri back to her apartment because I was convinced she needed my protection on the streets of Ass-toria at 10 PM.

So there you have it. That's my birthday re-cap.

One Night in Jodi

Yesterday was an average day and night for me.

My beautiful and wonderful friend Wendy Jo came to me with great news that she had a second call back for a series guest role on a major cable network. I had my own great news. I had received a call from my doctor's office and was informed I do not have any STD's. That's right. Clean as a whistle. Not that I was too worried, but I did start a rough draft of my will. I offered to take the doctor's assistant out for drinks to celebrate but she declined.

My dear friend Karith updated her facebook status and it caught my eye. It had been forever since I had seen my Karith. She co-hosts a very high-profile national radio show. We haven't had much time to spend together since her hours are now pretty much the dead opposite of mine. I miss her. So I asked her if she'd stay up late to do my show at Eastville. I had time on the lineup and I was honestly craving her much like I do a cigarette twenty times a day. (That's a pack a day.)

My buddy Danny Siegel hosted the show last night. I love Danny. He is very funny. He is very universal. He is very good looking. He is very straight. And kind of a pig but I appreciate that in him. We can relate. My friend Jodi Wasserman, who I think in time will become one of my fave gal pals, we're new to each other, headlined. She's mildly insane.

Karith was her usual radiant vibrant self. Beautiful spirit. Was so good to see her onstage again. She had to leave after her set to go to bed. I walked her out and didn't want to see her go. I wanted to cling to her like the Titanic. It wasn't enough time. We made tentative and well-intentioned plans for sangria and/or pinkberry but you know how those plans go. You get busy, or you get a gig or it rains or you oversleep. But she is a life friend for sure.

I got to stretch out onstage. Re-worked some oldies, worked out some newbies. Leah had a great set, she's been focusing on flexing her performance muscles and it shows. Everyone had a great set. No one clunked. I told Jodi to get there by 9:00. She came in and sat at the bar until it was her time.

Jodi went on and I had my first opportunity to step outside for a smoke. I found Leah waiting outside of the club. I told her I don't have AIDS. She high-fived me and told me she was dating a girl who worked for AIDS Walk. This was news to me but Leah and I have not connected in awhile. I was thrilled for her. She told me they met on Saturday. Last night was Wednesday. That is a four day timespan. Which is a completely reasonable timeline for the Lesbian race.

Jodi, who has a million TV credits killed. No surprise. That's why she was booked. After the show and after the goodbyes and thank you for comings, Garry (another comic who also did well) and Leah invited Jodi and I out with them to Nowhere Bar. I wanted to go, I wanted to drink more, I wanted to laugh at silly things and take drunken photos to tag on facebook the next morning, but I could see a flash of wild in Jodi's eye. I suddenly felt like Jodi's chaperone and felt that she needed me. So I told Garry and Leah we'd meet up with them in a bit. I was right about what I saw in Jodi's eye. I've got a good gut about things that rarely will let me down. Jodi indeed had another agenda.

Jodi likes to smoke pot as much as I like to drink. Jodi was out of pot last night and remembered a conversation we had over six months ago that I had some pot in my freezer. I guess I wouldn't forget if someone told me they had a pallet of Marlboro Lights in their attic. The pot in my freezer was a housewarming gift for my ex-boyfriend and I three apartments and six years ago. And the housewarming gift has since traveled from apartment to apartment to apartment, each time taking its rightful place in the freezer under the ice-cube tray that is always filled up when we would move in and never emptied until we moved out. Since my boyfriend and I are no longer (no worries we're still the very best of friends - family. We talk 3X/day and share everything.) I have moved out but the housewarming gift did not. At this point, that housewarming gift probably tastes like Gorton's fish sticks. Jodi didn't care. She was ready for it - freezer burned and all.

I put myself in Jodi's shoes. What if I couldn't buy cigarettes? What if I was back in New Mexico and couldn't buy a drink on a Sunday? I still have keys to my old apartment and my ex-boyfriend wouldn't care if I regifted our housewarming present from three apartments ago. But it was getting late and I didn't want to travel all the way from the East Village to the Upper Upper West Side. Jodi would have to seek another form of comfort. So we decided to go eat.

We decided a diner would be the best option. Jodi wanted to go to a diner in Astoria. We both live in Astoria so that sounded like a good plan. She then had the great idea to stop and get a Mr. Softee ice cream to enjoy on the subway trek to Queens. Even better. Then I learned the diner in Astoria was on the Astoria Blvd stop. Two stops beyond my stop. Which meant that I would have to get back on the train after the diner. And she would just be able to walk home without another subway ride. Very manipulative she is. So I put my foot down and said no. We would have to find a diner in the East Village and then we'd take the train home to Astoria and get off at our own stops. She agreed. But only on the condition that we could get Mr. Softee after the diner for the subway ride home to Queens. Agreed.

I held the door open for Jodi. She likes to be treated like a lady. And I like that she likes to be a lady. She's always in heels and in full hair and makeup. I ordered a grilled cheese on wheat, she ordered eggs. When she got the eggs she complained that they didn't bring soup. I told her she did not order soup. She argued that she did. Lack of pot was making Jodi hallucinate things. I can relate. I slur when I don't drink. She agreed that Danny Siegel is hot. I texted him and asked him if he had any pot for Jodi. He did not. But told us to go to see the doorman at the Bowery Hotel. Jodi considered. And I would have gone with her to protect her. But she felt it was too much work. (But traveling an hour and a half each way to the Upper Upper West side was not.) She then told me she wanted to quit comedy but then suggested we plan a national tour. She noticed Leah had a new girl. Women pick up on those things. She told me pets do not stink, humans do. And that its okay to ask your Mother for money. And that you have to constantly hustle in this business. And to stop wasting time on guys who aren't into you. And where is her soup?

We paid our bill and left. Jodi did not forget our agreement on Mr. Softee. But Mr. Softee had driven away. She had switched her focus from pot to soft serve. We saw golden arches a few blocks ahead of us. But McDonald's was closed. Then we found a Ben and Jerry's. It was hoppin' after midnight. We got our ice-cream and walked silently to the subway back to Astoria. We finished before the N train came. So we started talking again. She was showing off her new i-phone. She killed the other night at a comedy club and a fan bought it for her. I didn't ask.

We were comparing my blackberry versus her i-phone when suddenly we both pulled our phones away from each other in the same knee-jerk fashion. We gave each other knowing glances. I knew the she had / and she knew that I had, nude photos of ourselves in our phones. She offered to show me her tits. Via i-phone. Now, Jodi is an attractive gal. But I didn't want to see her tits. Maybe after a night of tequila, or if we were at Mardi Gras and prizes were involved I would be game. I declined. I turned away. Then turned back to her and found her tits in my face via i-Phone. They were nice. I was surprised. Not that Jodi could have nice tits, but I've been let down before in pretty girls. The most attractive girl can reveal themselves to be something out of National Geographic. Jodi had perfect tits and she was proud of them. I was proud for her. I felt obligated and kind of wanted to show her photos of myself. But I resisted the urge. Again. No tequila was consumed this evening. Maybe next time.

The N Train arrived. She charged through the doors and knocked a couple of guys out of the way so that we could share a bench. We decided to take a photo shoot together with her i-phone to pass the time. The photos were terrible. With the fluorescent lighting and the high-def settings on her i-phone, one photo after another was promptly deleted. One was decent. I agreed we'd spare it from the trash. It would be a memento of our time together. She'd tag me on facebook the next day.

I got off on the Broadway stop. Jodi would get off two stops later. Near the originally proposed diner. It was not a crazy wild evening. Nothing eventful really happened but it did. Jodi is an amazing woman and an amazing artist. We'll probably do a show again together in the very near future and we may or may not hang out after. That's the way it goes in this crazy world. But I am grateful for last night.

Graciela

It's the day after Mother's Day. I wanted to write something yesterday, on Mother's Day but internet connectivity problems prevented me from doing so. Something my Mother is not capable of helping me out with.

My mother, like most mother's is not very technical. But I think my mother takes the prize in that arena. I remember we had an answering machine. Remember those? And she could not record or change the outgoing message without help from my sister and I. We took full advantage of my mother's technical shortcomings. One time my sister Anna Marie and I took the answering machine hostage and recorded a cover of "hello, I love you won't you tell me your name." The message was us singing (in a thick tex-mex accent) "hallo..... we laahv yoo wontchooo tal us yer name... hallo we laahv you wontchoo tal us yer nommmmmmmmmmmmmbberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" - we thought it was hilarious and we refused to change it for her. That message stayed up for months until I replaced it with my own five minute piano concert featuring a medley of hebrew folk songs. We were not Jewish.

My Mom is many things. She has a generous heart that gives the shirt off her back to complete strangers. It was not unusual to wake up early in the morning and find my mother counseling a wayward teenager in our kitchen, or to run with her to buy groceries or to a garage sale to buy furniture for a family in need. And she is just as beautiful on the outside as she is the inside. I've always been proud to have the prettiest mother.

I can remember my favorite part of the day when I was five was when she would pick me up from daycare. I'd be playing in the back and here her call my name. I'd turn around and there she was, in her signature high heels and a skirt and a perm (this was the '80s). Everyone has always told me "your mom is so beautiful."

I get my passion and fiery temper from my mother. My mother was always first to dig her long red-painted fingernails into the arm of any adult who was ever unnecessarily mean to me and threaten them with their lives. "I'll get you, you sonofabitch." - And she was always first to get us thrown out of establishments for "bad" behavior. My mother was and is the original "girls behaving badly." That's where I get my over the top, boundary pushing and reckless sense of humor from. We've been kicked out of department stores for knocking over displays, refused service at the McDonald's drive-thru because she could not bring herself to stop yelling "cheeeessssburgerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" over and over into the intercom, stared at for driving around town running errands with ice cream purposely smeared all over our faces pretending to be oblivious to it ("we have NOT been eating ice cream!" would be shouted to the bank teller, the dry cleaner, the neighbors), and gossiped about for picking pecans from our pecan trees (okay so we were crawling in the lawn on all fours laughing hysterically shouting "nueces, nueeeeeeeeeeces" (nueces is espanol for pecans) and pelting each other with them.

My mother has always been completely fearless of being silly and having a good time no matter when or where it was appropriate. She is magnetic, always the life of the party, always first to help anyone in need - and always in high heels. And I love her.

(And she is going to kill me if she finds this post and sees that picture to the left. "Dammit Danny! You take that down right now you sonofabitch" - But I love eighties helmut perms.)

Talk to you soon.

Danny

P.S. I bet Mother's Day is very expensive at the FLDS ranch.

Lez Vegas

So where are we at now with the number of states allowing gay marriage? Five?

Everyone seems particularly excited about Iowa. It's good news. Cheers. But if I hear one more person say "...well you know what they say about Iowa? .....So goes the rest of the nation!" I will have a seizure. Actually I will have a cigarette. Then I will have a seizure. I'm finding that remark is always delivered with a raised eyebrow and cocked head as if to beckon anyone in earshot to say "Wow - we hadn't thought of that... what rare political insight you have into the nation!" It's political hack.

Why am I grouchy. Oh I know..... Buy me a drink. Back to gay marriage.

If Mr. Smartypant's very original observation of Iowa comes true and gay marriage does becomes a nationwide right, I think Lesbians will be particularly pleased. It seems to be the third date in their courting system.

I think Las Vegas will change forever into the Lesbian honeymoon capital of the world. All the mega conventions that come to Las Vegas? No more. It's going to be one big dykes on bikes convention year round. No more showgirls. At least not the ones we're used to. They'll be baby dyke showgirls. The ones with the faux hawks and boxer shorts and wifebeaters with a lot of angst. No more Tom Jones. It's Ani DiFranco baby.

And personally - I think it will be lot of fun. One big awesome blossom of vag in the desert.

Michelle Obama Secret Weapon.

I love Barack Obama. He is a fellow smoker which makes us compadres.
I love Michelle Obama. I'll get to her in a second.

Chrysler has gone bankrupt. Detroit, the motor city is in real trouble. I don't think the auto industry will be healthy for some time.

About Michelle Obama. She could be a secret weapon for Barack. She's got this 1960's "Supreme" thing about her. Like she should front a motown group. With two similarly styled but not as pretty but as equally fabulous women behind her and they all sing "Baby Love" - or something like it. To hell with the auto industry, its dead and won't be back for awhile. But Michelle can revive Motown. Which also is an export from Detroit. And could quite possibly could save Detroit. Now that's a stimulus package.

I got a million other good ideas. I go to the movies all the time. (10 points for whoever knows that reference)

And now Mr. Obama, I'm ready for my cabinet appointment.... (10 points for whoever knows what that line that was based on)

It's raining in New York today. Talk soon.